Help - Advice needed

[SMKD75]

Hi everyone

 

We have just got back from my parents and talking about our final move.

 

To say it hasn't gone well is an understatement, there has been lots of tears and a big guilt trip from my mum.

 

As it is something that most of you have gone through, I would love some advice

 

Many thanks

Sue

[freesia]

aah that's a difficult one for you- speaking as a parent of an emigrated child, we have a duty to wish you well & be pleased that you're such confident & well-rounded individuals up for adventure. In practice of course it's not so easy ! There's a thread running on this very subject on the PomsinOz site; you might find it an interesting read .

And rest assured she'll come around to the idea even if it takes a while- needs must. Is there a plan for her to visit you at some point? However far in the future it would give her a great trip to look forward to/save & plan for. And tell her we all get used to Skyping/Facetiming etc, they are great for keeping in touch . All the best, she's obviously going to miss you .

[PommiePattons]

Hi Sue,

 

We are in a similar position, told my mum prior to Christmas.

give them time to adjust to the shock of you actually doing it, I got silly comments thrown out in the heat of the moment.

we leave in two weeks and my mum is in a totally different place now.

Understand they will never like it but they have to accept it, start talking to them about how soon they will come to visit makes a big difference

Totally agree with Freesia, skype and FaceTime will definitely help as well

 

good luck

[jtct]

I agree with you Freesia............. but as I sometimes say......BEWARE. They may end up joining you (as we did) on a parents Visa. Our family may live locally but we hardly see them, we are far too busy living our new life here and having a ball (nearly 2 1/2 years already)

 

Still remember how i felt when they first told us nearly 8 years ago - I was sick with anxiety and grief but kept it all from them. That first visit to see them all in their new home was a godsend and made a huge difference

[Tamara (Homes Down Under)]

It is entirely normal and understandable.

My parents came out for a 3 month stay after we had been here for 6 months and they have been on two other occasions (here at the moment for 6 months!).

My OH's father is the one that we worry about...good health but needs fetching from the UK to visit us!

I hope that you don't have issues with other family members too. Friends of ours just returned to the UK after amost 2 years here and throughout their stay they and their children were constantly undermined by family members in an effort to get them to return.

I would look at one of the unlimited internet plans available here...you get unlimited internet which is great for skype but the plan also has unlimited landline calls to the Uk...all for $80 per month. Having a landline also makes it easier for older people to keep in touch as not everyone is computer savvy.

A difficult time. Hope that it doesn't get more traumatic as time ticks by.

Tamara

Edited March 3, 2014 by Tamara (Homes Down Under)

[SMKD75]

Many thanks everyone for all your kind advice.

 

I have tried to talk about how we can stay in touch but I think yesterday things were still a bit to raw. I did expect and understand their reaction especially as my boys are their only grand children. I would love them to come and visit, however they do not like flying so we are planning to come back to the UK after a year to visit everyone. I am hoping that this does not make it feel as final and will give them something to look forward to.

 

As you have said Tamara, I think a good telephone/internet package is a must so we can keep in touch regularly. The boys also want to make videos of their experiences to send them and write them letters.

 

I am hoping time helps and again thank you for all the advice.

Sue

[Diane]

Speaking as someone who brought the only grandchildren on both sides out here nearly ten years ago, all I can suggest is like people have suggested above - get them a laptop with a builtin webcam, teach them how to use Skype (or Facebook/Facetime) and tell them that when you have moved and they visit you, you will actually spend more quality time together that you ever would have managed even living just half an hour away! We used to visit our folks every fortnight or so in the UK - but when you are all sharing the same house for a couple of months, you get to know each other far better (possibly far better than you want, but perhaps not mention that bit!)

[SMKD75]

Thank you Diane for your reply. I agree with comments about quality time together. Last year we spent a week away with my parents and that time together was pure quality time and we all enjoyed it. I think sometimes when you live closer you take things more for granted and sometimes you visit out of routine more so than spending quality time.

[Guest LadyBug]

SMKD75, we haven't told our family about our plans yet. For obvious reason. But, hey, it's our lifetime wish we're talking about. And for sure their opinion will not stand in our way. They have their choices to make and we have ours. We will let them know when we have visa in our hand and we will leave them just enough time to get familiar with the idea of us moving down under. Not too much, though.

Let us know how you handle this problem, I know I will be grateful for your advice.

[SMKD75]

Hi LadyBug, thanks for your reply. I also had left it later to tell my parents because I knew what the reaction would be. Hopefully they will have time to come to terms with it before we leave. My two boys are so looking forward to us going out hopefully at the end of April, and they give me the lift to know it is the right decision and like you say our dream. I will keep you informed how it works out and good luck when you do the deed!!

 

On the other hand, my husbands family have been supportive, so you never know

 

Finally I do have to say that even though it didn't go well, today I feel as though I have had a weight lifted off my shoulders in telling them and I have been given so much support off friends.

 

Regards Sue

[jtct]

Give parents time to grieve - because for them, this is what separation feels like. I had irrational feeling that I would never see them again or see my granddaughters grow up. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance are part of this process and each stage happens - some take longer than others to deal with.

 

They will get over it in time but we handle grief and loss differently so there is no real formula for 'how and when to do it'

 

Try not to feel guilty, get them a laptop, teach them to Skype (its never too late to learn) and look forward to an exciting future with their blessing......... eventually

[SMKD75]

Hi and thank you for your advice. Your comments have really summed up my Dads reaction. He kept saying that he will not see his grandsons again and not see them grow up. It was this reaction which has hurt me most and made me feel guilty. Like you have said it is to be expected and I really hope over time he can see that they will be in touch and be happy to see them in their new life.

 

It is nice to hear your views, having been in the position of my parents.

Thanks Sue

[wozzie2202]

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt. My parents have always known that we never wanted to settle in the uk and in fact took me abroad when I was 3 to live overseas for 9 years. however, what's made things hard for us, as we were planning on moving around mid 2014 is my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. We've therefore delayed our plans so that I can be with her for the time she has left, and she is aware of this and supportive of our decision. My biggest concern is leaving my dad behind on his own...I have half brothers and sisters on my mum's side but I am his only daughter, and all bar my sister who is a bit useless and only concerned for herself live a long way away. He's a young, fit 72 but I do worry how he will cope without both my mum and me around. I know he would come a visit, but whenever we mention Oz he goes very quiet and I know he doesn't want to discuss it. It really does leave me feeling awful, but the thought of spending the rest of my days in the uk fills me with even greater dread! I know if he were in our shoes he would be doing exactly the same but I guess emotions are running high due to mum's illness. Ironically over the last 13 years we have always lived away from them in Canada, Germany and latterly edinburgh. It's only now we are an hour down the road. Life really is sent to try us sometimes! X

[amdaloia]

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt. My parents have always known that we never wanted to settle in the uk and in fact took me abroad when I was 3 to live overseas for 9 years. however, what's made things hard for us, as we were planning on moving around mid 2014 is my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. We've therefore delayed our plans so that I can be with her for the time she has left, and she is aware of this and supportive of our decision. My biggest concern is leaving my dad behind on his own...I have half brothers and sisters on my mum's side but I am his only daughter, and all bar my sister who is a bit useless and only concerned for herself live a long way away. He's a young, fit 72 but I do worry how he will cope without both my mum and me around. I know he would come a visit, but whenever we mention Oz he goes very quiet and I know he doesn't want to discuss it. It really does leave me feeling awful, but the thought of spending the rest of my days in the uk fills me with even greater dread! I know if he were in our shoes he would be doing exactly the same but I guess emotions are running high due to mum's illness. Ironically over the last 13 years we have always lived away from them in Canada, Germany and latterly edinburgh. It's only now we are an hour down the road. Life really is sent to try us sometimes! X

 

 

Have you considered looking into a parent contributory visa (I think that is what it is called) for your Dad? It would mean he could move out to live in Oz as well, especially if you are really worried about leaving him on his own. I am not sure of the requirements and such, but have heard of other people who have had it for their folks and it might be something you can look into.

[srg73]

Don't want to belittle your situation but I count myself lucky that my parents reactions was to jump up, dig out the suit cases and ask....when are you going!

 

I guess everybody is going to react differently, some will be very positive some will be a simple shrug of the shoulders and others will take it very badly. To be completely selfish, you need to think of what is best for you and your family.

 

S

[Bal67]

Hi everyone

 

We have just got back from my parents and talking about our final move.

 

To say it hasn't gone well is an understatement, there has been lots of tears and a big guilt trip from my mum.

 

As it is something that most of you have gone through, I would love some advice

 

Many thanks

Sue

 

 

Hi Sue,

 

We are going through the same kind of thing with the mother-in-law, my mom has been absolutely brilliant with the move she is 83 and lives on her own and relies alot on me, but on the other hand my in-laws are in there 60's very young for their ages and moved away only to Wales 20+ years ago and for the first 12-18 months refused to talk about our move and now its all about how it will affect them!!! Although they really dont bother with us or the grandchildren which I find really weird, but my hubby just ignores her most of the time as he knows she is just being a drama queen who has too much time on her hands!!

 

At the end of the day you have to do what makes you and your family happy!!

 

Everybody handles it differently, but please do not let it spoil the time you have left here.

 

Bal.

xx

[SMKD75]

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt. My parents have always known that we never wanted to settle in the uk and in fact took me abroad when I was 3 to live overseas for 9 years. however, what's made things hard for us, as we were planning on moving around mid 2014 is my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. We've therefore delayed our plans so that I can be with her for the time she has left, and she is aware of this and supportive of our decision. My biggest concern is leaving my dad behind on his own...I have half brothers and sisters on my mum's side but I am his only daughter, and all bar my sister who is a bit useless and only concerned for herself live a long way away. He's a young, fit 72 but I do worry how he will cope without both my mum and me around. I know he would come a visit, but whenever we mention Oz he goes very quiet and I know he doesn't want to discuss it. It really does leave me feeling awful, but the thought of spending the rest of my days in the uk fills me with even greater dread! I know if he were in our shoes he would be doing exactly the same but I guess emotions are running high due to mum's illness. Ironically over the last 13 years we have always lived away from them in Canada, Germany and latterly edinburgh. It's only now we are an hour down the road. Life really is sent to try us sometimes! X

 

Hi, I really feel for your situation and the emotions you are going through. I really hope that in the long run everything works out for you.